HOOKED: ADDICTION AND THE LONG ROAD TO RECOVERY by Paul Merson
Hooked is Merson’s wonderfully moving and brutally honest memoir of battling addiction, unflinching in detailing his emotional and psychological troughs and in raking over the painful embers of an adult life blighted by such debilitating issues.
‘I can’t remember a time before addiction. I can’t remember what the absence of addiction felt like.’
For twenty-one years Paul Merson played professional football, but for thirty-five years has also been an addict. Alcohol, drugs, gambling: a desperately unenviable cocktail of addictions and depression which has plagued his entire adult life and driven him to the verge of suicide.
‘All I’ve ever wanted my entire life is to be normal – take the kids to the park, sit in the garden, Sunday roast – and be someone my family could rely on.’
‘At night, I go to bed and put my head on the pillow and appreciate that it’s a miracle that I haven’t had a bet or a drink.’
Hooked will kick-start a crucial national conversation about addiction, depression and the damage they wreak, and about the long road to recovery.
‘If this book manages to save just one person, it would be the best thing I’ve ever done in my life.’
‘The addiction’s not in the drink or the bet or the drug. The addiction is in my head. It’s an inside job.’
‘Always remember, addiction needs you on your own. But it doesn’t have to be that way. You are not alone.’
‘When you’re a compulsive gambler and you have money, it isn’t burning a hole in your pocket, it’s burning a hole in your mind.’
‘Drinking was like boarding a rocket for me, a ticket to a different world.’
(Publisher: Headline. September 2021. Hardcover: 304 pages)
After a trophy-laden and record-setting club and international career, England’s greatest ever goalkeeper, Peter Shilton, could rightly look forward to an equally successful post-playing career. But a gambling habit forged in his playing days soon spiralled into a gambling addiction: a silent, self-destructive and ruinous obsession that destroyed relationships, his mental health and very nearly himself.
Growing up in the nineties and coming to football in the new millennium, I had the impression – naively – that racism in the beautiful game was a thing of the past, that it was consigned to an era of hooligans and hostility and would nary tarnish the sport again. How wrong, how ignorant, I was. Two decades into that new millennium and football – and society – is still marred by disgusting instances of racism. Who can forget the way three of England’s heroes of summer 2021 were racially vilified after defeat to Italy on penalties in the Euros? When the vitriol spewed out, for many it was shocking; but, sadly, for many others, there was also a degree of inevitability. The real questions over age, experience and game time which should have been central to the analysis of that penalty defeat, as well as a celebration of England’s best tournament since 1966 which should have rounded off the Euros, were lost to racist abuse and discrimination that proved just how endemic racism is in society and, consequently, football. It has never gone away, as John Barnes points out in his book The Uncomfortable Truth About Racism as he spotlights these uncomfortable truths and debunks myths about progress and equality.
Penalties – Is there any worse way to decide a sporting contest than penalties? How does kicking a ball from 12 yards at all fairly capture the competition of a football match? In many ways, it’s the antithesis of football – static, robotic, poised – there’s none of a game’s spontaneity, energy, flow, but until an alternative is found, it’s the only option available. Even prior to this game, the notion of penalty shootouts had plagued my mind – surely, there’s a better solution? But, in truth, they can’t be matched for sheer drama or tension. Despite the routine practice teams now increasingly put into penalties, there is no way to replicate the situation of a penalty shootout, in a European Final, at home, with the weight of 55 years of history and 65 million people resting on your shoulders. Every player that even considered stepping up for England and Italy deserves huge respect. And those ten players, and not forgetting the two goalkeepers, who took part, are all champions in my mind. The walk from the halfway line is something that often gets mentioned and even that seems virtually impossible in the context of a night such as last night and again seems so out of keeping with the emphasis it places so squarely on individuals in this most collective of team sports. For the England players, especially, the sight of 6’5” Donnarumma surely would have been extra imposing. Watching on, he seemed to typify that old football adage of a goalkeeper ‘filling the goal’. Maybe, it was my own nerves, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a goalkeeper look so substantial and the goal look so small. His height is one thing, but the fact he backs that up with incredible talent is another – and that he was named Player of the Tournament perhaps proves just how much England’s penalty takers had to contend with. Pickford, too, played his part with two vital saves, particularly taking the shootout down to the final spot-kick when he saved from Jorginho. And, of that final spot kick, I cannot praise Bukayo Saka enough. Regardless of what people say about who should and shouldn’t be taking them, the duty fell to Saka, and it couldn’t have carried any more pressure. For a nineteen-year-old to accept that responsibility and step up for his country is inspiring (I could barely take responsibility for myself at nineteen, let alone a nation’s dreams) and in no way will that one penalty define his tournament, let alone his career, for me, except in it cementing his incredible maturity, his courage and his spirit. Saka’s tournament included memorable appearances in the victory against Croatia, that meant England topped their group, and the Semi-Final against Denmark where his cross led to the own goal that pegged Denmark back. Saka was instrumental in England getting to the Final, and Rashford and Sancho too played their parts, and aged just 19, 23 and 21, these are three lion cubs with big hearts.
Player of the Tournament – I love to see players that catch the eye and do so consistently, and from the very first match, Leonardo Spinazzola was that player. It’s great that a so-called defensive player can steal the spotlight, when a lot of attention is always placed on the more naturally positioned forward players. Indeed, one of the highlights of this tournament was the full-backs in general – Maehle of Denmark, Gosens of Germany, and Kyle Walker and Luke Shaw of England, to name a few, but Spinazzola was on another level in terms of his attacking play in particular. He was a delight to watch, always playing as high up as possible, and it was such a cruel shame that he didn’t get to feature in the Final after picking up an injury, but his four performances before that were enough to make a significant impression. We’ve got used to full-backs bombing on in recent years, and the days of a full-back rarely venturing across the halfway line are long gone, but in this tournament Spinazzola showed attacking full-back play at its very best.
England – As someone who is usually entirely pragmatic and realistic about England’s fortunes when others are getting carried away, I found myself in the unusual position of actually feeling really calm and confident even before we’d kicked a ball this tournament, based on nothing but gut feeling alone. It was a decidedly refreshing – and stress-free – experience not to feel deflated when England weren’t firing on all cylinders, when they were held to a stalemate against Scotland and when they went behind against Denmark, and all the more so, because this team continued to deliver game after game. Ukraine aside, there was nothing seemingly mind-blowing in their football, but at the same time there was an assurance, a stability that perhaps hasn’t always been there, especially in the big moments. At not one point in their journey to the Final did I doubt this team and at not one point did they let me down. In the final, I knew, it was a tougher task, and in my heart of hearts I thought Italy would have too much experience and know-how in the circumstances, but this team allowed me to dare to dream in a way that no other England team in my lifetime has, and that is why I felt the disappointment of the result so much more keenly this time around – to the point of being a despicably sore loser and having to tun off the trophy celebration – but why I also felt not one ounce of disappointment in the players. In Phillips, Rice, Saka, et al, England have uncovered some gems for the future, whilst senior players like Walker, Maguire and Sterling stepped up. It’s hard to choose my standout England player as each of them genuinely contributed so much to the team, but whilst Maguire and Shaw made late charges, I’m going with Kalvin Phillips for having turned out at his first major tournament, featuring in every game and looking at home from the first group game through to the Final. But what made this England team great, and one I could find real confidence and pride in, was that it wasn’t about the individuals, this was a team that has played as a more united collective than any other England team I can remember. And that is why my disappointment is for them, not in them. Thanks for the journey, England.
It’s been interesting to hear Gareth Southgate and indeed others in the media talk about this squad being unburdened by history. Indeed I remember writing back in 2018, pondering on the impact of that loss to Croatia at the World Cup would have on that squad. Just three years later of the 26 man squad England playing at the Euros, just nine players (a little over a third) were part of that defeat and are Jordan Pickford, Kyle Walker, John Stones, Harry Maguire, Jordan Henderson, Harry Kane, Raheem Sterling, Kieran Trippier and Marcus Rashford. So given that the majority of the squad don’t have that negative experience in their locker and indeed they have seven players aged 22 or under, there is a freedom and fearlessness of youth that has served the Three Lions well during the competition to date.
At every opportunity the media have rolled out the 1996 Euro penalty miss by England boss Southgate and talked about redemption for the then Aston Villa defender. He instead has continued to focus on the job in hand, and whilst of course he will still carry those memories from that night at the ‘old’ Wembley, he responds to every media question always with his mind on the present and the objective of winning the European Championship for the first time in England’s history. Whatever happens tomorrow, he and his squad can be proud of what they have achieved. But of course, one more victory would be oh so welcome.
Walker – For me, this has very much been a tournament for full/wing backs, with some of the most impressive performances coming from the likes of Denzel Dumfries, Robin Gosens and Joakim Maehle, to name a handful. But few can compete with Kyle Walker in terms of his recovery and pace. Whilst he hasn’t got forward as much as usual, his presence at the back has been reassuring. Even when not having the best of games, he can still be relied upon in high-pressure situations and one-on-one footraces with any player in the competition. And even after 120 minutes against Denmark, he still looked fresh as a daisy as he sprinted from one end of the pitch to the other to take the ball into the corner. Aged 31, he’d be forgiven for seeing a drop-off in his fitness, but he makes 31 look the new 21.
Maguire – In tournaments past, England have anxiously awaited the fitness of its attacking players – David Beckham in 2002, Wayne Rooney in 2006 – so it says a lot when the nation was holding its breath on the fitness of a centre-back prior to this Euros. Tyrone Mings deputised impressively in Maguire’s absence in the first two group games and his contribution shouldn’t be forgotten, but Maguire’s return against the Czech Republic proved the mettle of the man. Having not played competitively for weeks, it would be natural for a player to take a while to find his feet, especially in an international competition, but Maguire looked like he’d never been away, in fact, if anything, he looked like he was playing at a different level. He has been a behemoth at the back – and let’s not forget his goal against Ukraine up top – so whatever fitness regime he’s followed with the staff at St George’s Park needs rolling out on the NHS asap.
Chiellini – Chiellini or Bonucci? Bonucci or Chiellini? It’s like choosing between a pair of equally fine vintage wines, one slightly older and earthier, the other marginally more refined and supple. Whilst Bonucci is slightly more cultured in his passing, Chiellini is the man you’d want beside you when backs were against the wall. His passion for football, for winning, for the Italians is unbounded and, as has been regularly noted throughout this tournament, he just damn well loves defending, perhaps a little too enthusiastically, it might be said. But this is a man who would throw himself in front of every ball, head out every cross and lay down on the goal-line to prevent a goal. Indeed, he seems to view goals against his side like an affront, a matter of honour and integrity, but he also plays the mind games incredibly well too. A good old-fashioned throwback of a player, but someone you’d definitely rather have on your side than on the opposition.
Shaw – My earlier allusion to full-backs deliberately excluded two notable names – Leonardo Spinazzola and Luke Shaw. Spinazzola has arguably been the player of the tournament, consistently impressing as a right-footed left wingback with his attacking intent and energy – he’s not bad at defending either! For wont of a cruel injury, he would get the nod here, but that’s no criticism of Luke Shaw, as I’d pretty much have Spinazzola as the first name on my teamsheet. In fact, Spinazzola aside, Luke Shaw has been one of the best performers, particularly in the latter rounds of the tournament, growing into games and in belief. He has perhaps been the most complete of the full-backs, never neglecting his primary duty at the back, but also playing an integral part in England’s attack – indeed, he’s joint-second on the list of assists and the only defender in the top five, ahead of the likes of Memphis Depay, Kevin De Bruyne and Joshua Kimmich – you’d take that.
Phillips – One of England’s earliest revelations in this tournament, what a difference that extra year made. Indeed, twelve months ago, Phillips had just won promotion out of the Championship, but outside of Leeds was largely under the radar, and had yet to be picked for his country. That all changed in August 2020 when Phillips was first selected by Southgate and, as they say, the rest is history. It is almost impossible now to imagine an England team without Phillips – or to give him his rightful moniker, the Yorkshire Pirlo – who quickly settled into the side and announced himself on the world stage with his first performance in the Euros. Only Jordan Pickford and John Stones have played more than Phillips’ 545 minutes for England at the tournament and this for a midfielder who covers every blade of grass – in fact, he’s covered 67.3kms of grass – the further of any England player. If Walker is England’s sprint king, Phillips is their marathon man.
Rice – Midfield partnerships haven’t always been the easiest things to come by for England, but in Phillips and Rice, Southgate has hit on a formidable defensive duo. Both humble, hardworking and selfless, Phillips and Rice go together like Ant and Dec, like Baddiel and Skinner, like Bonucci and Chiellini. The rise of Declan Rice has been similarly impressive to his midfield buddy, first making his breakthrough for England in 2019 before a couple of particularly effective seasons at West Ham pushed him to the fore of Southgate’s plans. It is easy to forget that Rice is still only 22 and there is still plenty of time for him to push on even more, but he already has the heart and enthusiasm of a lion.
Barella – In truth, there is an embarrassment of midfield riches across both sides and one of a number of players could complete the set. Jorginho and Verratti offer composure and bite, Manuel Locatelli dynamism, Mason Mount intelligence and Jack Grealish craft. Grealish is arguably the most impressive of the lot, but his ability to genuinely change the game from the bench – which is something that not all players can do – has, to some extent, made him a victim of his own success in this limited role, and if this team could only have one sub, it would, without question be Grealish; if it could have twelve players by some quirk of the ref miscounting, that would also be Grealish, but, alas, I think VAR may spot that one. Barella’s ability to pop up with a goal and get in and around the box and recover the ball, however, makes him an effective option and he’s rightly been a mainstay in the Azzurri’s setup.
Sterling – Going into the tournament, there were questions over Sterling’s form at Manchester City, with 10 goals to his name last season, on the back of 20 the previous season, despite seven assists to his name, and another Premier League and League Cup title. Southgate, however, stuck by a player who has been a regular for him and has stood in as captain on occasions, and the manager has been duly rewarded, with Sterling netting the first three of England’s goals in this campaign, including the match-winners in both the Croatia and Czech Republic games, and playing a crucial part in England’s equaliser against Denmark and the penalty that would secure England’s first final in 55 years and first ever in the Euros. He has played some 521 minutes and covered the third-most distance for England in his six appearances and is being widely touted as the Player of the tournament.
Kane – Oh how Spain and Germany must wish for Harry Kane – and oh how grateful all England fans are that he’s English. Despite a slow start, there never should have been any doubts over the three-time Premier League Golden Boot winner and having been written off after a ‘goal drought’ of three games at this tournament, Kane is now only one goal behind front-runners Ronaldo and Schick in the race for the tournament’s Golden Boot. And while his goals are crucial of course, this tournament has seen him play a real team role as a true captain does, going deeper to effect play and look to start attacks. When England were awarded their penalty in extra-time against Denmark, there is absolutely no other player you would have wanted stepping up then than the England captain, and even when the initial shot was saved, he was the first to react and to finish at the second time of asking. Kane proves the value of having a top-class striker in your side – just ask Spain.
Chiesa – Another position that is blessed with talent on both sides, including Lorenzo Insigne and Domenico Berardi for the Italians and Jadon Sancho, Marcus Rashford and Phil Foden for The Three Lions. But while my heart screams Bukayo Saka, my head says Federico Chiesa to complete the line-up. At 19, Saka took to his first senior match at an international tournament just as convincingly as he has done all season for Arsenal and put in the performance of a seasoned pro. Four years his senior, Chiesa too has looked impressive in his first tournament for Italy. Despite not starting the first two games, Chiesa’s performances in his cameos, scoring the first in extra-time of the Round-of-16 game against Austria, has made him an integral part of Mancini’s thinking in the latter stages of the tournament and he hasn’t let his manager down, always looking to get into the box and take the shot on.
Manager: Southgate – Ultimately, the manager – and, to some extent, the players – will be judged only on what happens in the final, but really the job Southgate has done should not be limited to one game, however it goes. Of course, if (when?) England win, he will be heralded as a national hero, but he’s already made a very strong case for being considered as such right now. Indeed, the job of England manager has often been seen as the ultimate poison chalice in football and has taken some big scalps in the past, but Southgate has gone about his job both on and off the pitch in such a way that he has rewritten the script. Indeed, as much as he has helped to shape this England team on the pitch, his role in developing a new philosophy, building bridges with the media and fans and, crucially, leading from the front on important national and social issues is perhaps an even greater and more important achievement. He has united a nation, restored pride and instilled belief and he has done so with the utmost integrity, calmness and decency. Win or lose on Sunday, in Gareth, England should give thanks.