Book Review: How to Be an Ex-Footballer by Peter Crouch
All good things come in threes, just ask any footballer who’s ever scored a hat-trick. In fact, ask Peter Crouch who has scored many a hat-trick and has just released his third book. So that’s a hat-trick for a England and a hat-trick of books to his name, surely placing the former forward in a league of his own as the only person to have achieved a triumvirate in both fields? Answers on a postcard if you know otherwise. But, either way, both accomplishments are no mean feat and just as with a hat-trick the third goal seals the deal, so too does Crouch’s third book affirm what his previous two tomes pointed towards: Crouch is a natural and compelling storyteller. Having previously covered the weird and wonderful life of being a footballer to great effect, this latest book changes its focus slightly to the weird and wonderful life of being a former football, that is the jobs and careers of retired footballers, and, no, before you ask, it’s not all working on their golf handicap, though, I’m sure, a few of them do that too.
Joking aside, though, Crouch reflects on the fact that life after football often isn’t the fantasy many envision. Despite the money increasingly in football, retiring young comes with very real psychological, emotional, physical and sometimes financial burdens, oftentimes which footballers just aren’t ready for, so while an image of a former tough-tackling midfielder living the life of riley in the Cotswolds may come to mind, in reality the shift into retirement and what that looks like can be much less appealing. Savvy players may head into retirement with a healthy nest egg and with the figures that are banded around the pro game today it seems there should be few excuses for former footballers to have financial difficulties, although the book suggests this too isn’t always the case. Whether for financial reasons or a need to fill the void, many former footballers find themselves pursuing new careers when they’ve hung up their boots and Crouch explores the obvious and not-so-obvious post-football pathways.
From managers to pundits, artists to actors, restaurateurs to teachers, the book concentrates on a number of different professions, with Crouch identifying some of the former players now plying their very different trades and discussing some of these careers with the players themselves, including Gavin Peacock who swapped the penalty box for the pulpit as a priest and Jody Craddock who put down his shinpads and picked up a paintbrush for a successful career as an artist. There are former players who have ditched the glitz and glamour of the global sports business for the nitty-gritty of life as a fireman, van driver or even an undertaker, while other pros have replaced one high-flying role for another as hedge fund managers and Hollywood heroes. There is a tattooist, a sanitation consultant and a president, a vacuum entrepreneur, a detective and a wrestler, and then there’s Tino Asprilla, whose post-football pursuits I won’t spoil for you, but he’s certainly found a niche! It’s an eye-opening exploration of life after football, delivered, as ever, with Crouch’s natural humour and wry observations. However, there’s also a more serious undercurrent to the book, which Crouch touches on in his final chapter.
Titled The Troubled, Crouch explores the darker side of retirement and reflects on those whose paths in and beyond football have been more problematic. It’s a reminder of footballers as human beings, their flaws and challenges, their addictions and struggles, their mistakes and reparations. Yes, football is glamorous, yes, it’s swimming in money and, yes, playing football for a living is a dream many of us wished we’d got a chance to live, but it also comes with a short shelf life, a pool of sharks and scammers and one of the most abrupt shifts imaginable, from superstar footballer to has-been ex-footballer. It’s a lot for anyone to get their head around, but for mostly young men who have only experienced life in a pampered, dreamlike bubble, it’s easy to see how navigating the real world can be a genuine challenge and why some prefer to leave their footballing pasts well and truly behind. For every successful pundit, there’s a footballer struggling to adjust to life; and while some may find a new lease in becoming a painter, a detective or an MP, the path for others isn’t quite so rewarding. In a Jerry Springer-esque final thought, Crouch thus asks of his readers a simple request: to choose a former footballer and give them a day: ‘mark it in your diary and celebrate them as they once were, and as they are now,’ he urges, ‘don’t’ let them be forgotten.’
So, in the spirit of Crouch’s appeal, I allocate today, the 22 October, George Boateng Day. Stalwart of Coventry City, Villa, Middlesbrough and Hull to name a few, Boateng hung up his boots in 2013 and is now assistant coach of the Ghana national team. Happy George Boateng Day, everyone.
Jade Craddock
(Publisher: Ebury Press. October 2022. Hardcover: 288 pages)
Other reviews:
How to be a Footballer by Peter Crouch
I, Robot – How to be a Footballer 2 by Peter Crouch
Buy the book here:Peter Crouch
Past: As one of the most successful teams in English football, the Premier League eluded Liverpool for almost three decades, but after near-misses in 2002, 2009, 2014 and 2019, they finally put their PL duck behind them, scooping the top trophy in 2020. For a club that has had FA Cup, League Cup and Champions League success in that time, the Premier League was a long time coming, but the 2019/20 team guaranteed their place in the Reds’ long history. When it comes to past players, the Premier League roster reads like a who’s who of the best footballers in the world, so it comes as no surprise that a fair few autobiographies have followed. In fact, Liverpool are amongst the best represented when it comes to former players. Indeed, you can make a veritable XI of Liverpool Premier League autobiographies: Dudek – A Big Pole in Our Goal (which just edges out Pepe Reina’s Pepe purely on its title); Jamie Carragher – My Autobiography/The Greatest Games; Neil Ruddock – Hell Razor/The World According to Razor; Sami Hyppia – From Voikkaa to the Premiership; John Arne Riise – Running Man; Jamie Redknapp – Me, Family and the Making of A Footballer; Steven Gerrard – My Story; Gary MacAllister – Captain’s Log; Fernando Torres – El Nino; Robbie Fowler – My Life in Football; and Luis Suarez – Crossing The Line. That list excludes books by Xabi Alonso and Dirk Kuyt which are yet to be translated into English, as well as books by Bruce Grobebelaar, Jason McAteer and Michael Owen. Whilst John Barnes published his autobiography in 1999, my pick is his forthcoming book The Uncomfortable Truth About Racism.
Past: If we’d been compiling this list at the start of the Premier League era, pre-Millennium, Manchester City’s story, and its players, would have looked very different indeed. Those first years of the top flight actually saw City slide all the way down to Division Two before yo-yoing back between Division One and the Premier League. It was only in 2002 that Manchester City returned to the big time, but with modest returns for a decade, until the breakthrough came in 2012 with the first Premier League title. Since then, it’s been a very different story, with Manchester City winning four of the next nine campaigns, with a lowest finish of fourth in 2016, and central to that rejuvenation has been a host of big-name incomings. Not least Sergio Aguero, who spent a decade at City and struck that famous title-winning goal, before departing in the summer and whose autobiography was published in 2014. Who could forget David Silva either – another player to give the Manchester side a decade of incredible service – for whom a tribute book was published last year. But the beating heart of the team for over a decade? None other than their captain, Vincent Kompany, a relative unknown when he arrived from Anderlecht in 2008, but who left the north-west a true City legend. So he’s the pick for City, with his 2019 book, Treble Triumph.
Past: Manchester United are the runaway leaders when it comes to the most Premier League titles, with thirteen. Yet despite their early domination in the nineties, their most recent trophy came nine seasons ago in 2013 – in, not at all coincidentally, Sir Alex Ferguson’s last season at Old Trafford. In recent times, the Red Devils have struggled to really put up a notable challenge for the title, though signs of recovery have been shown in the last couple of seasons under former United marksman Ole Gunnar Solksjaer. Given the size and stature of United, it’s no surprise that there are a host of autobiographies to choose from, so, as with fierce rivals Liverpool, here’s an eleven-a-side of reads. Peter Schmeichel – One (forthcoming in September); Gary Neville – Red; Jaap Stam – Head to Head; Rio Ferdinand – Thinking Out Loud (two previous autobiographies have also been published but this one reflects on the important subjects of grief and loss in Ferdinand’s life); Patrice Evra – I Love This Game (forthcoming in September); Michael Carrick – Between the Lines; Roy Keane – The Autobiography/The Second Half (surely an Extra Time is due shortly); Eric Cantona – My Notebook; Paul Scholes – My Story; Andy Cole – Fast Forward; and Dwight Yorke – The Autobiography. Notable absences are of course David Beckham, who has some five books to his name and Wayne Rooney who has his own trilogy. However, when it comes to picking one icon of Manchester United’s past it surely has to be the club’s most successful manager, Sir Alex, whose books include A Year in the Life, Managing my Life, My Autobiography and Leading.
Past: Starting the Premier League era in Division 1, Newcastle were the first side to get promoted, finishing first in 1992/1993, and joining the top flight, where they stayed for some sixteen seasons. Relegation in 2009 was followed by immediate promotion in 2010 and a similar pattern ensued in 2016 when the Magpies found themselves once more in the Championship before bouncing back at the first time of asking. In their four seasons back, Newcastle have enjoyed some degree of stability but nothing quite as high-flying as their back-to-back second-placed finishes in 1996 and 1997. When it comes to former players, one name sticks out, certainly in the Premier League era – Alan Shearer, and, unsurprisingly, there’s a couple of books, with Dave Harrison, that cover the number 9’s prolific career as the League’s all-time top goalscorer, as well as the more recent My Illustrated Career. Newcastle’s other famous son, Paul Gascoigne, also has a number of books to choose from, charting successes and struggles on and off the pitch. Cult figures David Ginola and Nolberto Solano also published autobiographies, the former titled Le Magnifique and the latter Blowing My Own Trumpet, while Shay Given, who spent 12 years on Tyneside, brought out his autobiography, Any Given Sunday, in 2017. But whilst Shearer may be the player that defines Newcastle United’s Premier League history, and his statue stands in pride of place outside St James’ Park, it is joined by the manager who defined this period in the club’s recent past – Sir Bobby Robson. A couple of recent biographies by Bob Harris (Bobby Robson: The Ultimate Patriot) and Harry De Cosemo (Black & White Knight) offer new reflections on the man, but for the definitive autobiography, look no further than Farewell but Not Goodbye.
Past: No one could accuse Norwich City of not having had an eventful past, not least in the last two decades of the Premier League era, in which they’ve been relegated from the top-flight four times, relegated from the Championship once and experienced no less than six promotions. Canaries fans will surely be hoping for a smoother ride this time out back in the Premier League, following their immediate promotion last season. Fans looking for a Norwich autobiography are not overwhelmed with choice, it has to be said, but there are a few knocking around out there, including top striker in 2003/04 Darren Huckerby and former goalkeeper Bryan Gunn, whilst Iwan Roberts’ All I Want For Christmas offers an insider look at Norwich’s promotion-winning 2003/04 season, taking the campaign month by month. However, pick of the bunch goes to Grant Holt, with his autobiography A Real Football Life. Club top scorer in League One in 2009/10, the Championship in 2010/2011 and three consecutive seasons in the Premier League from 2011 to 2014, although, surely, he’s remembered just as fondly in wider circles for his foray into wrestling in 2018.
The lockdown during COVID saw people turn to various activities whilst at home. For Steven End it provided the opportunity to produce a book, prompted by the loss of a relative to dementia and the increasing cases in the football world, called Football for Brains! The title reflecting that this is predominantly a quiz book of football questions to get the grey matter ticking, and additionally that the author is making donation to The Scores Project (details below) looking into dementia at the University of East Anglia.
Author Edward Couzens-Lake has produced a number of books on Norwich City, with this latest offering part of a series which has seen the Canaries explored through the Seventies and Eighties. Given the volume of work that the author has produced on the Norfolk club, there is no doubt that he is an authoritative voice on the team from Carrow Road and it is in reflected in this particular book.
Robert Enke (2009), Dale Roberts (2010), Gary Speed (2011) – three men from the world of football who in recent years took their own lives. That list has nearly been added to by ex-players such as Dean Windass and the author of My Fight with Life, Leon McKenzie, who have both attempted suicide.
“My name’s James Scoltock, I’m a football fan and so very happily one dimensional” declares the author in his review of a dramatic 12 months for his club, Norwich City.
Saturday 18 February 2012 (12.00pm)
The last game of the day will see an Arsenal team fresh from a mauling in Milan, take on Sunderland who recently have enjoyed a resurgence under Martin O’Neill. The Sunderland boss will tell his team to forget about the 2-1 loss they suffered only last week to The Gunners and will hope to compound an awful week for Arsene Wenger by dumping Arsenal out of the Cup. Black Cats fans of a certain age will remember the 2-1 win against Arsenal in the Semi-Final in 1973 when Sunderland went on to lift the Cup after beating Leeds United in the Final. I’m going for Sunderland to take this one, as once more another season for The Gunners come to nothing.
Stevenage and Tottenham were involved a real old ding-dong of a game which belied the final score-line of 0-0. Whilst there was not a great many shots on goal, it was an all-action Cup-tie. Spurs did have the ball in the net and were perhaps unfortunate that Scott Parker was on the goal-line as he deflected in Saha’s goal bound effort. That would have been harsh on Stevenage who served a replay.